Her Name is Janet

...Or Smartass, if you were to ever ask my mom. If only she'd had the foresight.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Grad School Admission Essay, Draft 1

Dear Public Health/Social Work/Language Pathology/Graduate School Admission Board(s):

Why would I like to attend grad school? Because enough fat old rich guys with questionable ethics have reaped the benefit of my hard work and loyalty for 10 long years, and I’ve had enough of that. Also, it is honestly more flattering to be hit on by a homeless man with minimal access to toiletries than by my drunk boss at one more staff Christmas party. Or staff picnic. Or staff golf outing. Or MLK Jr. Day. Or Tuesdays.

So you're wondering whether you should accept me into your program. That answer is a resounding yes. You’d be lucky to have me, if I do say so myself. But I don’t have to…just read my recommendation letters.

I jest with you. The first reason, and come on, be honest, the most important one, is that I can pay your absurdly outrageous tuition.

We should just end this essay right now, huh? Not because you’re offended by that last sentence, oh, no no, but because in the end, it’s the only question that really matters. No further reading needed.

But there are some other, arbitrary reasons to accept me:

1. I know that sometimes “Sally” and “Tony” aren’t capitalized. No kidding!
I also know big words, like rodomontade and small ones, like ab ovo. Not only do I know them, I know how to use them.

2. I know just enough about statistics, human nature, philosophy, politics, and how to appeal to mankind's inherent decency (even the fat old rich ones) to hold my own in any bar room, or boardroom, conversation. (This is helped tremendously by the fact that I'm usually the only sober one in both of these locations.)

3. Is it worth mentioning that I happen to be incredibly passionate about this field? And that that will serve as a driving force in my success? Maybe this too: I might just turn out to be a compassionate, persuasive, revolutionary voice for the marginalized. You never know. Wouldn’t you like the opportunity to educate someone like that? Think about your social responsibility here. Are there enough of these types out there in the world, for you to be rejecting them from graduate programs all willy-nilly? No! You want to accept them, and educate them, and then turn them loose into society so they can empower and equip others. And by them, who I really mean is me.

2 Comments:

At 10:14 AM, Blogger mommy stauffer said...

I double-dare you to use this draft. Okay, maybe you'd have tweak the part directed at the reader - do a little sucking up, as my sons used to say.

By the way, I have a book for you, but I think Johannes is reading it first.

 
At 12:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I triple dog dare you!

jlm

 

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